Introduction: Love Lessons We Never Got
If you grew up in Nigeria, you probably know this story well. Parents drilled discipline, respect, and academics into us. They reminded us to pray, to stay focused, and to keep the family name clean. But when it came to the subject of love, there was silence — or at best, vague warnings.
- “Don’t bring shame to this house.”
- “Face your studies, leave girls/boys alone.”
- “When you marry, you’ll understand.”
For many young Nigerians, this silence created confusion. We entered adulthood well-prepared for exams and careers but ill-equipped for relationships. We learned love through trial, heartbreak, and mistakes.
This silence wasn’t intentional cruelty. It was cultural, generational, and rooted in fear. But the reality remains: Nigerian parents rarely teach their children how to love, handle conflict, or set boundaries.
And this is where relationship coaching comes in. Coaching fills the void left by parental silence, teaching emotional intelligence, communication, and practical skills for healthy relationships. It’s not about rejecting parental wisdom — it’s about expanding it.
Why Nigerian Parents Avoid Talking About Love
Why don’t Nigerian parents teach about love? The reasons are complex, but they make sense when viewed through cultural and historical lenses.
1. Cultural Conservatism
In Nigeria, topics like love, romance, or intimacy are often seen as inappropriate for children. Parents avoid them to protect “innocence.” A father may feel uncomfortable discussing relationships with his daughter, fearing it will encourage rebellion.
2. Fear of Encouragement
Many parents believe that talking about love will make children experiment too early. Instead of teaching healthy dating, they impose silence, hoping to delay it. Ironically, this silence pushes many young people to learn from friends, music, or social media instead.
3. Focus on Survival
For older generations, love was a luxury. Many parents grew up during economic hardship or political instability. Their main focus was survival — education, career, and financial security. Emotional intelligence wasn’t on the priority list.
4. Inherited Silence
Parents can only give what they know. Since their own parents also avoided conversations about love, the cycle of silence repeated itself.
Result: generations of adults who excel at work or faith but stumble in relationships.
What Nigerian Parents Typically Teach About Love
When parents do address love, their lessons are often moralistic, incomplete, or one-dimensional.
| Parental Lesson | Meaning | Limitation |
|---|---|---|
| “Respect your partner.” | Value your spouse’s opinion and position. | Too vague. Doesn’t teach how to handle disagreements. |
| “Provide financially.” | Men must be providers. | Ignores emotional connection and shared responsibility. |
| “Don’t bring shame to the family.” | Protect family reputation. | Encourages secrecy, not openness. |
| “Marriage is forever.” | Divorce is unacceptable. | Creates pressure to endure even toxic unions. |
| “Pray for your spouse.” | Faith can sustain relationships. | Powerful, but incomplete without communication skills. |
These lessons are not wrong. They provide values, but they lack depth. They prepare couples for appearances, not realities.
The Gaps Left by Parents
The silence and one-sided teachings leave several gaps that follow children into adulthood.
1. Emotional Intelligence Gap
- Many Nigerians grow up unable to name or manage emotions.
- Men are taught to “man up,” suppressing vulnerability.
- Women are taught endurance, not self-expression.
- Result: poor communication, bottled resentment, or emotional outbursts.
2. Conflict Resolution Gap
- Parents often model silence or shouting during arguments.
- Children grow up thinking these are the only ways to handle conflict.
- Healthy disagreement, negotiation, and compromise are rarely taught.
3. Self-Worth and Boundaries Gap
- Lessons often focus on pleasing family, spouse, or society.
- Children rarely learn to set boundaries or assert needs.
- Many enter relationships with people-pleasing habits that later breed resentment.
4. Financial Transparency Gap
- Money is rarely discussed openly at home.
- Couples enter marriage without clarity on budgeting, debt, or saving habits.
- Financial conflicts become ticking time bombs.
These gaps explain why so many young Nigerians struggle with love despite their intelligence and ambition.
How Relationship Coaching Fills the Gap
This is where coaching steps in as a game-changer. Unlike parental lessons that stop at “don’t disgrace us,” coaching provides practical roadmaps for real life.
Key Areas Where Coaching Steps In
- Emotional Awareness – Teaching clients to recognize emotions and respond calmly.
- Effective Communication – Replacing blame with active listening and empathy.
- Conflict Skills – Showing couples how to argue productively, not destructively.
- Boundaries – Helping individuals learn to say “no” without guilt.
- Love Languages – Teaching that not everyone gives or receives love the same way.
- Financial Planning – Encouraging money conversations before marriage.
As BetterHelp explains, coaching equips individuals to break free from inherited family patterns and build healthier, intentional love lives.
Stories of Nigerians Caught in the Gap
Story 1: Chioma – The Silent Bride
Chioma grew up in a home where women were taught to endure. When her husband began ignoring her needs, she stayed silent. Coaching taught her assertive communication: expressing herself without aggression. This skill turned her silence into strength, rescuing her marriage from collapse.
Story 2: Kunle – The Provider’s Trap
Kunle grew up hearing, “A man’s job is to provide.” He worked hard, but his wife felt lonely. Coaching revealed that presence mattered as much as provision. By learning empathy, Kunle built a more fulfilling marriage.
Story 3: Fatima – Boundaries and Freedom
Fatima was raised to always obey. In her marriage, in-laws dominated decisions. Coaching gave her the courage to set respectful boundaries with her husband’s family. Today, she describes her home as “peaceful, not pressured.”
These stories prove one thing: silence around love doesn’t prepare us — but coaching does.
Coaching vs. Parental Lessons
| Aspect | Nigerian Parents Teach | Coaching Fills the Gap |
|---|---|---|
| Communication | “Respect your partner.” | Teaches listening, empathy, and conflict skills. |
| Emotions | “Don’t show weakness.” | Encourages vulnerability and safety. |
| Boundaries | “Obey your spouse.” | Promotes negotiation and respect. |
| Marriage Success | “Stay together at all costs.” | Focuses on healthy, sustainable unions. |
| Money | Rarely discussed. | Builds openness and financial plans. |
This side-by-side view shows why many Nigerians are turning to coaching to complete the love education they never got.
Why Coaching Works in Nigeria’s Context
Some may wonder: will coaching really work in a society so steeped in tradition? The answer is yes — because coaching is flexible.
Why Coaching Resonates
- Avoids Stigma: Unlike therapy, coaching feels practical and accessible.
- Blends Faith and Modernity: Many Nigerian coaches integrate spirituality with modern relationship skills.
- Prevention First: Coaching prepares couples before crises erupt.
- Safe Spaces: Coaching provides platforms where love can be discussed without judgment.
As Psychology Today highlights, coaching focuses less on “fixing” and more on building forward. Nigerians resonate with that preventive, solution-oriented approach.
Practical Coaching Lessons Every Nigerian Should Learn
Even if parents never taught you, here are the core lessons coaching emphasizes:
- Love Yourself First: Without self-love, you accept unhealthy treatment.
- Apologize Sincerely: “I’m sorry” is a bridge, not weakness.
- Set Boundaries: Learn that “no” is not disrespect — it’s self-respect.
- Talk About Money Early: Transparency prevents hidden resentment.
- Learn Emotional Vocabulary: Move beyond “angry” and “happy” to words like “overwhelmed,” “anxious,” “disappointed.”
- Practice Empathy: Pause before judging your partner’s feelings.
- Don’t Compare: Instagram love is not real love.
- Ask, Don’t Assume: Clarity eliminates silent suffering.
These lessons transform relationships into safe partnerships instead of power struggles.
How to Start Filling the Gap Yourself
Not everyone can access formal coaching immediately. But individuals can start filling the gap with simple practices.
Steps to Take Right Now
- Read Relationship Books – Start with those on emotional intelligence.
- Journal Daily – Write down emotions to improve self-awareness.
- Practice Empathy at Home – Listen more, judge less.
- Have Honest Conversations – Talk about boundaries with friends, partners, or family.
- Attend Webinars/Workshops – Many Nigerian coaches offer free or affordable programs.
- Reflect on Parental Patterns – Ask yourself, “What lessons did I inherit that may not serve me?”
Even small steps make a big difference in building emotional literacy.
Conclusion: Building the Love Our Parents Couldn’t Teach
Our parents did their best. They gave us discipline, resilience, and values. But when it came to love, silence and tradition left gaps.
Relationship coaching doesn’t reject their wisdom. It extends it. It gives Nigerians the missing tools — emotional intelligence, boundaries, conflict resolution, and communication — to build love that is not just about survival but about flourishing.
By blending cultural values with modern coaching, Nigerians can finally break cycles of confusion, secrecy, and unhealthy patterns.
Love doesn’t have to be a battlefield or a mystery. With coaching, it becomes intentional, empowering, and deeply fulfilling.
