Introduction: When Good Advice Becomes Bad Advice
Marriage in Nigeria has always been more than a union between two individuals. It is a sacred bond where love meets family expectations, community involvement, and cultural traditions. For decades, couples have leaned on advice passed down from parents, pastors, and community elders. While some of these age-old tips are timeless, others are simply outdated and unhelpful in today’s fast-changing world.
The reality is that Nigeria in 2025 is not the Nigeria of the 1970s or even the 1990s. Back then, a man’s success was defined by his ability to provide financially, while a woman’s worth was measured by her obedience and homemaking skills. Divorce was unthinkable, children were seen as the ultimate proof of a successful marriage, and emotional conversations between spouses were rare. Fast-forward to today, and the dynamics have shifted dramatically. Women are excelling in education and careers, men are facing new economic pressures, and social media has reshaped the way couples communicate and present their relationships.
This raises an important question: should Nigerian couples continue to follow old advice even when it no longer fits the realities of modern life? Experts argue that clinging to outdated expectations contributes to many of the conflicts Nigerian marriages face today—from financial stress to emotional disconnection (see more here).
To build thriving marriages, Nigerian couples must separate tradition from toxicity and embrace principles that reflect today’s realities. This article explores the marriage advice that has expired—and what works now in a world where love must adapt to survive.
Outdated Advice #1: “A Woman’s Role Is Only to Cook, Clean, and Obey”
Why It’s Outdated
This advice comes from an era where few Nigerian women worked outside the home. Back then, men were sole breadwinners, while women were expected to manage the household quietly.
But the landscape has changed:
- Nigerian women now dominate universities, often outnumbering men in professional programs.
- Many households depend on dual incomes to survive economic challenges.
- Women contribute financially, emotionally, and intellectually to marriages.
Yet, some families still teach young brides to “just obey” and not express opinions. This is not only unfair but also impractical. A modern wife is not just a homemaker—she is a partner.
Nigerian Reality
Take Lagos, for example. A wife working as a banker returns home late, yet still faces pressure to cook, clean, and cater to everyone while her husband rests. This imbalance creates resentment, exhaustion, and eventually emotional distance.
What Works Now
Partnership. Modern couples thrive when they divide roles fairly.
- Husbands cook sometimes.
- Wives manage finances.
- Decisions are made together, not dictated.
👉 True strength lies in teamwork, not outdated gender hierarchies.
Outdated Advice #2: “A Man Should Never Show Weakness”
Why It’s Outdated
Nigerian men are often taught from childhood: “Boys don’t cry. Be strong. Don’t complain.” This mindset carries into marriage, where men bottle up stress, financial pressure, or emotional pain.
But unexpressed emotions create:
- Anger outbursts.
- Emotional distance.
- Health issues like hypertension.
A man who hides his struggles often leaves his wife guessing, which weakens intimacy.
Nigerian Reality
A husband loses his job but pretends everything is fine. His wife notices his withdrawal but assumes he no longer loves her. Lack of honesty, not the job loss, becomes the real danger.
What Works Now
Vulnerability. When men share fears and weaknesses, it builds trust. A wife who knows her husband’s struggles can support him emotionally and practically.
👉 Strength today means being real, not pretending to be unshakable.
Outdated Advice #3: “Marriage Is Only Successful If You Have Children”
Why It’s Outdated
In many Nigerian cultures, children are seen as the “crown” of marriage. Couples facing infertility often endure stigma, gossip, and family pressure. Sometimes, families even encourage men to “marry another wife.”
But this belief overlooks two truths:
- Infertility can affect all genders
- Children are not the only measure of love, joy, or companionship.
Nigerian Reality
A couple in Abuja facing infertility was pressured by extended family to separate. But instead, they built a foundation of travel, charity work, and shared business ventures. Their marriage thrived because it was rooted in partnership, not just children.
What Works Now
- Medical help: IVF, adoption, and counseling.
- Emotional support: focusing on companionship and shared goals.
- Rejecting stigma: redefining success as love and respect, not just reproduction.
👉 Marriage is not invalidated by childlessness—it’s defined by the bond between partners.
Outdated Advice #4: “A Wife Must Endure Anything to Keep the Marriage”
Why It’s Outdated
This is perhaps the most harmful advice still circulating. Women are often told to endure infidelity, emotional neglect, or even domestic violence. The result? Broken spirits, damaged health, and in some tragic cases, loss of life.
Nigerian Reality
Domestic violence reports have risen across Nigerian states. Too many women stay silent out of fear of judgment or the cultural shame of leaving a marriage. Some pastors and family elders still advise “prayer and endurance” instead of accountability.
What Works Now
- Safety First: Leaving abuse is not weakness—it’s wisdom.
- Mutual Accountability: Both partners should be answerable to each other.
- Healthy Endurance: Endurance in marriage should mean patience in hard times, not tolerance of abuse.
👉 True love never demands suffering in silence.
Outdated Advice #5: “Men Don’t Do Housework”
Why It’s Outdated
This advice assumes women are full-time homemakers. In reality, most Nigerian women balance careers with home life. Expecting them to handle everything creates unfair workloads and resentment.
Nigerian Reality
Imagine a wife who works a 9-to-5 job, gets home by 8 p.m., then still cooks, cleans, and cares for children—while her husband watches football. This dynamic is no longer sustainable.
What Works Now
- Husbands cook, clean, and share childcare.
- Wives contribute financially and emotionally.
- Marriage thrives when both pull equal weight.
👉 Domestic chores don’t reduce masculinity—they strengthen unity.
Outdated Advice #6: “Keep Family Issues Within the Family”
Why It’s Outdated
Traditionally, problems were taken to elders or pastors. While helpful, not every problem can be solved by community wisdom. Complex issues like mental health, sexual dissatisfaction, or financial mismanagement need professional guidance.
Nigerian Reality
A couple struggling with intimacy confides only in the husband’s mother. Her advice, shaped by her era, only worsens things. But professional counseling could have provided real solutions.
What Works Now
- Therapy and counseling for neutral, expert guidance.
- Marriage coaches and online resources.
- Balancing family input with professional advice.
👉 Seeking help is not weakness—it’s wisdom.
Outdated Advice #7: “Divorce Is Always a Failure”
Why It’s Outdated
In Nigeria, divorce still carries stigma. Many couples stay in broken marriages to avoid shame. But forced endurance often leads to depression, resentment, or toxic homes that scar children.
Nigerian Reality
A woman in Enugu endured years of emotional neglect. When she finally divorced, she was labeled a “failure.” But years later, she rebuilt her life, raised her children peacefully, and even remarried happily.
What Works Now
- Viewing divorce as a last resort, not an unforgivable sin.
- Choosing peace over pretense.
- Prioritizing mental health and safety over public opinion.
👉 Ending a toxic marriage can be the beginning of true healing.
Outdated Advice vs. Modern Realities: Quick Comparison
| Outdated Advice | Why It Fails Today | What Works Now |
|---|---|---|
| Women must only cook, clean, and obey | Ignores women’s education and careers | Equal partnership in roles and decisions |
| Men should never show weakness | Creates emotional distance | Vulnerability builds intimacy |
| Marriage is only successful with children | Stigmatizes childless couples | Love and companionship define success |
| Women must endure anything to keep the marriage | Normalizes abuse and betrayal | Respect and safety are non-negotiable |
| Men don’t do housework | Overburdens women and sparks conflict | Shared domestic responsibilities |
| Keep issues in the family only | Limits effective problem-solving | Seek therapy or counseling when needed |
| Divorce is always a failure | Forces people into toxic unions | Freedom and healing can be positive outcomes |
What Nigerian Couples Need to Embrace Now
The survival of marriage in modern Nigeria requires fresh wisdom. Couples can no longer depend solely on the advice that guided their parents and grandparents. Today’s challenges—rising living costs, social media pressures, globalized culture, and shifting gender roles—demand new approaches. To thrive, Nigerian couples must consciously embrace healthier, more practical, and more sustainable principles.
Below are the pillars of modern Nigerian marriage that actually work:
1. Partnership Over Power
For generations, marriage was seen as a hierarchy where men ruled and women followed. That model no longer works. Couples today must embrace partnership instead of power struggles.
- What Partnership Looks Like:
- Shared decision-making about finances, children, and lifestyle choices.
- Both spouses contributing to the household—financially and domestically.
- Respect for each other’s input, regardless of gender.
Example: A teacher in Kaduna and her husband, a small business owner, run their home like a team. They both handle chores, and financial decisions are made together. Their children grow up seeing equality as normal—not strange.
👉 Lesson: Partnership is not about competing for control. It’s about creating balance.
2. Emotional Openness Is Strength, Not Weakness
In many Nigerian homes, men were raised to suppress feelings, while women were told not to “nag.” This culture of silence has left many marriages emotionally dry.
Modern couples must embrace emotional transparency:
- Talking openly about fears, dreams, and disappointments.
- Checking in on each other’s mental health.
- Normalizing vulnerability for both partners.
Example: A young Lagos couple began weekly “marriage check-ins.” Every Friday evening, they spend 30 minutes sharing feelings without judgment. This practice has reduced arguments and strengthened trust.
👉 Lesson: The strongest marriages are not the quietest—they are the most emotionally honest.
3. Respect for Individual Growth
In the past, a wife’s career was often sacrificed for the husband’s advancement. Today, Nigerian marriages must embrace mutual support for growth.
- Husbands should encourage wives to pursue higher education or career goals.
- Wives should celebrate their husbands’ professional or entrepreneurial risks.
- Both should avoid jealousy when one advances faster than the other.
Example: A couple in Port Harcourt built a system where one spouse takes evening classes while the other handles childcare. This teamwork has helped both achieve career advancement without resentment.
👉 Lesson: A spouse’s success is not a threat; it is shared glory.
4. Healthy Boundaries With Extended Family
One of the biggest threats to Nigerian marriages is interference from in-laws. Elders often feel entitled to dictate how couples live. While respect for parents is crucial, boundaries must be clear.
- Couples should discuss and agree on limits for family involvement.
- Disputes should be resolved privately, not in front of relatives.
- Couples must learn to say “no” respectfully when family demands harm their union.
Example: A woman in Anambra insisted on visiting her mother-in-law every weekend, even when it strained her marriage. After counseling, the couple agreed on once-a-month visits. The marriage became more peaceful.
👉 Lesson: Boundaries don’t mean disrespect. They protect love from unnecessary external control.
5. Technology as a Tool, Not a Threat
Social media, mobile apps, and digital platforms can either help or harm marriages. Couples must learn to use technology wisely.
- Positive Uses:
- Budgeting apps for joint financial planning.
- Video calls to bridge long-distance separations.
- Online counseling platforms.
- Dangers to Avoid:
- Oversharing private issues online.
- Using phones as distractions instead of tools.
- Comparing your marriage to unrealistic “Instagram relationships.”
Example: A couple in Abuja uses a joint Google Calendar to manage family schedules and a budgeting app to track expenses. Instead of letting tech divide them, it brings order to their busy lives.
👉 Lesson: Tech should connect couples, not replace intimacy.
6. Financial Transparency and Teamwork
Money remains one of the top reasons for marital conflict. Old advice often told couples to let men handle all money, while women “manage the kitchen.” This no longer works in a world of rising costs.
Couples must embrace financial teamwork:
- Open conversations about debts, savings, and income.
- Jointly setting financial goals like buying land or saving for children’s education.
- Avoiding secrecy with spending.
Example: A couple in Ibadan opened a joint account for household bills while maintaining personal accounts for individual use. This hybrid model reduced arguments and ensured shared responsibility.
👉 Lesson: Money secrets are relationship killers; financial openness builds trust.
7. Prioritizing Quality Time Over Quantity
Modern life is fast-paced. Couples juggle jobs, traffic, side hustles, and social commitments. What often suffers is time for each other.
Instead of waiting for endless hours together, Nigerian couples must focus on quality over quantity.
- Short but meaningful daily check-ins.
- Scheduled date nights—even at home.
- Creating rituals like praying or eating breakfast together.
Example: A busy Abuja couple dedicates Sunday evenings to “no phones, just us.” They cook, talk, and reconnect. That ritual keeps their bond strong despite hectic schedules.
👉 Lesson: Time is limited, but love grows when you invest it intentionally.
8. Redefining Gender Roles in the Home
Nigerian couples need to move away from rigid gender stereotypes. The new reality is flexibility.
- If the husband can cook better, let him cook.
- If the wife manages investments better, let her lead finances.
- Roles should be based on strengths, not tradition.
Example: A husband in Kano, passionate about cooking, handles most meals, while his wife manages their shop’s finances. Their marriage thrives because they play to their strengths.
👉 Lesson: Flexibility beats tradition when it comes to harmony.
9. Prioritizing Mental and Physical Health
Stress, depression, and health neglect often go unaddressed in Nigerian marriages. Couples must embrace wellness as part of love.
- Encouraging regular health checkups.
- Supporting each other through therapy or counseling.
- Making exercise and nutrition part of family culture.
Example: A couple in Enugu joined a fitness challenge together. Exercising not only improved their health but gave them a new bonding activity.
👉 Lesson: A healthy couple is a stronger couple.
10. Reframing Divorce and Separation
Not all marriages last forever. Nigerian couples need to embrace a more compassionate view of separation.
- Divorce is not always failure; sometimes it is survival.
- Healing, co-parenting, and moving forward with dignity are healthier than endless conflict.
- Communities and churches must stop stigmatizing divorced individuals.
Example: A woman in Jos divorced an abusive husband, later remarried a kind partner, and built a happier life. She now counsels others, proving that endings can also be new beginnings.
👉 Lesson: The true failure is not divorce—it’s staying in harm when peace is possible elsewhere.
Closing Thought
Nigerian couples stand at a crossroads between tradition and modern reality. By embracing partnership, openness, boundaries, technology, financial teamwork, and wellness, marriages can thrive. What worked in the past may no longer fit—but what works now is building love on fairness, respect, and intentional effort.
👉 The future of Nigerian marriages will not be written by outdated rules but by couples willing to adapt and grow together.
Conclusion: Out With the Old, In With the Real
Some marriage advice belongs in history books—not in today’s homes. Nigerian couples who thrive are those who understand that culture evolves, society changes, and love requires adaptation.
Marriage today is not about blind obedience, silent suffering, or outdated gender scripts. It’s about partnership, communication, and respect.
👉 Final Takeaway: Outdated marriage advice traps couples in cycles of pain. Modern wisdom builds homes of love, safety, and growth.
